I'm really beginning to hate just about everything in my life.

I can't take this anymore.

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I've been really, really down lately.  It all came to a head last night and I just completely broke down for about a good hour.

Ten years ago, I thought my life was going to be SO much different than it currently is.  I imagined that after I graduated college, I would work full time, save money and within a year I'd move out and be living on my own entirely.  One day, I would meet a good guy and that would settle the love life issue.  I know life doesn't always goes how you plan it but the past year has been really difficult for me.  Sandy really through my family a curveball.  It's going on 10 months and we're still not back home.  I feel badly for my brother--I know it's definitely affected him the most out of all of us because of his autism.  It's bad enough that we lost all of our personal possessions, and our home is currently uninhabitable, but because we're in Levittown, he had to be pulled out of school and is now attending the nearby high school.  His anxiety levels are totally through the roof, and he's been acting out--something he's never really done before.

I've been trying to help my parents by calling people about our situation--our rental assistance has been cut off and we really need it.  I completely understand why my mom always feels exhausted after calling these people because it's all such fucking bullshit.  No one ever wants to deal with a situation directly, they just give you another phone number and another name and they tell you to call them. "They can help you."  And I haven't even been calling FEMA or any one like that (they wouldn't legally be allowed to give me any information anyway), I've been lucky enough to network with people who have in's with people in the County Executive's office and with FEMA in Albany.  I called them all last week, and followed up last Friday.  It is now the middle of this week and I haven't heard from anyone.  Typical.

While I do like my new job, it is very frustrating at times also.  Apparently, when they hired me, one of the managing partners thought it was only going to be temporary, like through the summer.  He said that it "must have been some sort of miscommunication."  After a meeting in his office, I'm now permanently employed (I guess? I still don't know 100% definitively).  I enjoy doing my audits, I absolutely loathe coding the anesthesia.  That's what my mom does and I don't understand how she does it because it is SO frustrating.  I know I'm beating myself up too much because I am still very very new to the field but it honestly makes me feel like I'm back in high school math class where I just don't understand what I'm doing, what's going on around me, and why everyone else gets it but me.  My boss also gave me a sort of BS project to write up a semi-regular "newsletter" that can be sent to our providers.  I guess it's because they know I surf the internet while I'm at work--bad, yes I know. But I could dick around for 2 hours on Facebook, Reddit, or Amazon, and I will STILL finish all my work by the time 3:45 pm rolls around.  It's not my fault that I'm an incredibly efficient employee and they don't get enough work to keep me busy.  This newsletter idea is a great idea in concept because it'll help the providers help us in a way, but at the same time I am so NOT the person to be writing this--I honestly have no idea what topics to write about (except maybe two), and I honestly don't really know what I'm talking about.  I have a rough draft of the first "issue" that I e-mailed to my supervisor and the managing partner who wanted me to do it, and they haven't gotten back to me on it yet.  So we'll see if it ever comes to fruition.  I have found myself on the verge of tears at my cubicle the past two weeks because of the newsletter and the anesthesia.

There's other things that have been weighing me down but I'm honestly so tired right now I can't even finish this blog properly.  My routine is very monotonous--get up, work, come home, nap, go to the gym, go to bed.  I always feel tired and I don't know why.  I hate that feeling.  I'm rambling.  I'm also ending this post.  Bye.

Random Question

Quick little post to ask some of you:

Do any of you get "visits" from a .pw domain? Apparently I have over 100 pageviews and the majority are referred from random .pw websites. When I try to look at them, it's all spam crap. I'm assuming these pageviews are crap too? I just want to make sure my blog isn't getting linked on random websites--it's not that I have anything to hide, I just don't want my blog to become popular with random people.

My car needs a priest, not a mechanic...

Once again, my car has decided to give me problems. Okay well this time it was just a really freak accident. Allow me to elaborate.

Back in March, my grandfather was generous enough to give me money to buy a car. I lost my beloved '05  Cobalt due to Hurricane Sandy and because we didn't have a certain amount of coverage on it, we received no insurance money for the loss (RIP Lady). It was a limited budget but it was enough to get me something with four wheels and an engine and it more money than I had at the time. I spent about a week scouring Craigslist with much hesitation as I was worried I was going to end up with what I dubbed "Sandy cars;" cars that had water damage from Sandy but the owners/salvagers "fixed" them up and then resold them. I bought my Cobalt from a dealership but the amount of money my grandpa gave me wasn't enough to purchase one--it made a decent down payment amount but at the time, I wasn't making enough money at my old job to be able to afford monthly payments.

My family has been going to the same mechanic for about 20 years. They do great work and we trust them. One day, my dad brought the van in for service and since they knew we were from Long Beach, asked us how we were doing since the storm. My dad mentioned that I did not have a car. They had a car on their lot that belonged to an old woman who I guess didn't need/want it anymore. It's a '97 Mazda Millenia.

This is what my car looks like. This is not my car.

I went and took a look at it. There's some dents and scratches on the body and doors but it ran pretty well and the inside was clean. I felt a little pressured to buy it from my parents because at the time my mom and I were sharing her truck and my dad would have to drive her to and from work so I could take the truck to work in the afternoon & evening plus school. So I bought it! I couldn't go another week without wheels of my own.

The first issue I had was in April. I was on the Meadowbrook Pkway on my way home from patrol when my battery light came on. Needless to say, I was a little freaked out because 1) I've never experienced this before and 2) I had no idea what the hell this meant. I called my dad who said not to worry and that I'd make it home as long as my engine was running. I did but my headlights and dashboard lights got increasingly dimmer as I chugged along. I brought the car to the mechanic the next morning, thinking that I might need a new battery. My dad it was probably the alternator, but it shouldn't be too expensive. That afternoon I got a call: $500. I was very grumbly but I paid. 

My next issue came at the end of May/beginning of June. After I dropped my friend Amy off at the airport for her trip to Kenya, I noticed a really high pitched squealing sound coming from my front passenger wheel. I called up my uncle who happens to be a mechanic and asked that if he could take a look at it if I stopped by. He peeked in with a flashlight and said that I needed front brake pads and the sound I was hearing was the "warning" sound. I couldn't be too annoyed because brakes are a normal part of care maintenance. So I drove home and began looking online where I could get them done. Usually my family gets our brakes done at Mavis because they're cheap and the one in LB we've never had a problem with. I took it to the one in Levittown where they said I not only needed brake pads, but also new rotors and a new caliper pin which would run to tune of $700. I nearly cried in the garage. I told him to put all the old stuff back on the car and that I was going somewhere else. Thankfully, my mechanic did it all for me and all I had to pay for was the brake pads. I did need a caliper pin but he cut me a break (no pun intended).

Yesterday was the most random problem I think I will ever have with a car. My visor mirrors seem to have become unglued due to the record heat we've had this summer. A couple weeks ago I tried to glue them back myself with limited success. I've just been avoiding using my visor so that the mirror doesn't hang down in front my eyes by the wire. Well yesterday I went to put my sunshade in my windshield and as I pulled my visor down, the mirror completely broke from it's electrical wires (they have lights) and fell into my lap. I went to readjust the visor and as I did, the two ends of the electrical wires touched (while my engine was running of course), and it short circuited my car. My radio stopped working, I couldn't lock/unlock my doors, and my A/C would automatically turn on when I started the car. Needless to say I FREAKED OUT. I called my mechanic told him what happened and he said I probably just blew a fuse and to bring it in after work. I just got the call and I got it fixed for free. I'm pretty sure the guy is sick of seeing my face which, no offense, but I'm kinda sick of seeing his too. Hopefully this is the last streak of bad luck I have for a while and that my car stays in the decent condition I've been keeping it in. 

If something else goes wrong, I'm seriously considering performing an exorcism on this car because it has some bad ju-ju.