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I've been really, really down lately.  It all came to a head last night and I just completely broke down for about a good hour.

Ten years ago, I thought my life was going to be SO much different than it currently is.  I imagined that after I graduated college, I would work full time, save money and within a year I'd move out and be living on my own entirely.  One day, I would meet a good guy and that would settle the love life issue.  I know life doesn't always goes how you plan it but the past year has been really difficult for me.  Sandy really through my family a curveball.  It's going on 10 months and we're still not back home.  I feel badly for my brother--I know it's definitely affected him the most out of all of us because of his autism.  It's bad enough that we lost all of our personal possessions, and our home is currently uninhabitable, but because we're in Levittown, he had to be pulled out of school and is now attending the nearby high school.  His anxiety levels are totally through the roof, and he's been acting out--something he's never really done before.

I've been trying to help my parents by calling people about our situation--our rental assistance has been cut off and we really need it.  I completely understand why my mom always feels exhausted after calling these people because it's all such fucking bullshit.  No one ever wants to deal with a situation directly, they just give you another phone number and another name and they tell you to call them. "They can help you."  And I haven't even been calling FEMA or any one like that (they wouldn't legally be allowed to give me any information anyway), I've been lucky enough to network with people who have in's with people in the County Executive's office and with FEMA in Albany.  I called them all last week, and followed up last Friday.  It is now the middle of this week and I haven't heard from anyone.  Typical.

While I do like my new job, it is very frustrating at times also.  Apparently, when they hired me, one of the managing partners thought it was only going to be temporary, like through the summer.  He said that it "must have been some sort of miscommunication."  After a meeting in his office, I'm now permanently employed (I guess? I still don't know 100% definitively).  I enjoy doing my audits, I absolutely loathe coding the anesthesia.  That's what my mom does and I don't understand how she does it because it is SO frustrating.  I know I'm beating myself up too much because I am still very very new to the field but it honestly makes me feel like I'm back in high school math class where I just don't understand what I'm doing, what's going on around me, and why everyone else gets it but me.  My boss also gave me a sort of BS project to write up a semi-regular "newsletter" that can be sent to our providers.  I guess it's because they know I surf the internet while I'm at work--bad, yes I know. But I could dick around for 2 hours on Facebook, Reddit, or Amazon, and I will STILL finish all my work by the time 3:45 pm rolls around.  It's not my fault that I'm an incredibly efficient employee and they don't get enough work to keep me busy.  This newsletter idea is a great idea in concept because it'll help the providers help us in a way, but at the same time I am so NOT the person to be writing this--I honestly have no idea what topics to write about (except maybe two), and I honestly don't really know what I'm talking about.  I have a rough draft of the first "issue" that I e-mailed to my supervisor and the managing partner who wanted me to do it, and they haven't gotten back to me on it yet.  So we'll see if it ever comes to fruition.  I have found myself on the verge of tears at my cubicle the past two weeks because of the newsletter and the anesthesia.

There's other things that have been weighing me down but I'm honestly so tired right now I can't even finish this blog properly.  My routine is very monotonous--get up, work, come home, nap, go to the gym, go to bed.  I always feel tired and I don't know why.  I hate that feeling.  I'm rambling.  I'm also ending this post.  Bye.