"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder..."
--- Henry David Thoreau
Normally I cannot stand Henry David Thoreau's writing. While his anti-materialistic and "back to basics" message is still relevant to this day, I always found his poetry to be incredibly pretentious. Maybe it was more that the boys in my creative writing program always quoted him and were obnoxious. Anyway...
But this quote had always stuck out in my mind. I have it printed out and tacked over my desk because that I find is where I encounter most of my stress.
Lately, I've been getting myself down over stupid things. I think having out-of-whack hormones has been why this funk initially started but I know that it's my active thoughts that have kept me down for the past week and a half.
One thing that has been bothering me recently is my lack of a romantic relationship in my life. I feel that I am ready to start dating again and that I am able to once again, be in love with someone and give them everything that comes with that. However, I am finding that now that I am out of university, this is much more difficult than I originally thought. Instead of a small, isolated campus of men to choose from, I have a metropolitan area of approx. 13 million people to filter through.
I have met a few men over the past several months that have seemed to be good prospects, but nothing has come out of it. We haven't gone on any dates and I also haven't made any sort of romantic intention obvious, but it sometimes feels like anytime I try to initiate conversation (usually through digital means), it goes nowhere. Kinda sucks.
The crazy-brain side of me automatically thinks that they know that I may be interested in dating them and so they are now actively avoiding me. And obviously it's because I'm overweight, ugly, have bad hair, and am just an overall awkward person. Because they can totally figure that out 5 seconds after meeting me.
The logical side of my brain tells the other side to have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. And even if the crazy-brain side is right, well who cares? If they're not interested in me, then why on Earth would I want to be with them? Why would I want another toxic relationship in my life? All of the good relationships that I've had--romantic or otherwise--have always come out of the most unexpected places. 3 of my closest friends in my life I have met in the most random of ways. And I think that's an important pattern.
And so I will wait patiently for happiness to come and sit on my shoulder. And until that day comes, I will not get myself down about being single. I will enjoy the time to myself (because lord knows between two jobs, academy, and volunteering I barely have any), and I will be happy on my own.
