Exercises in exercise.

No fun hair dyeing adventures for me sadly. My hairdresser had a medical issue so when she is feeling well enough to work again she will call me and I will get it done then.

I am sitting here patiently waiting for my tiny 8GB iPhone 4 to download iOS 7. I've tried twice now and both times I let the screen go dark and so it restarts the whole process. I had to delete like half my apps in order to download and take off all my music. I hope this is worth it and that I can put that stuff back on my phone because I need it to be functional until at least January. My contract with Verizon is up then and then I can either choose to stay with them or move carriers or just upgrade my phone. I'm planning on purchasing an iPhone 5s. I don't care how tacky it looks, I want the "goldpagne" one. I don't like the 5c's. They look like giant pieces of gum.

I am so exhausted physically. But that's a good thing. I recently canceled my Planet Fitness membership and joined a gym in Lynbrook called BC BJJ MMA. They have a variety of classes such as Muay Thai, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, boxing and kickboxing. And you get to attend unlimited classes for their monthly fee. It's within my budget and a friend of mine from the PD recommended to me so I joined.

First off, holy. fucking. shit. Ow. I went to class Monday night for kickboxing and my arms feel as heavy as lead balloons. I wanted to go back tonight after resting yesterday but I am still so sore and fatigued it's unbelievable. I knew this was going to be an intense workout because I've participated in a couple classes before joining to see if I like it. But honestly, by the end of the evening on Monday, my legs were shaking, my arms didn't want to move, and went I finally plunked down into my car, I literally burst into tears and cried for a good 30 seconds. I was a bit discouraged and down because I am clearly the weakest person in the gym. I can barely do push-ups, I get winded pretty quickly. I'm having difficulty with my footing when it comes to throwing my punches and my kicks on the bag.

But I know I will get better. And I know I will get in shape. I can feel my muscles getting stronger even now. I know that this will be a success and that if I just stay positive and keep at it, I will be in shape and fit enough for the physical fitness exams.

Now all I have to do is save money for LASIK. :D

Things to look forward to

Things have been looking up. Summer really just isn’t my season. I really think I’m always at my best during September, October, and November. My next downturn I’m sure will be just after New Year’s. I’m hoping it won’t be as severe as this year’s was but we’ll see.

I have a lot of fun things planned and I’m really excited. Tomorrow I am dyeing my hair black and red. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for several years. I should have done it in college when it was more acceptable to dye my hair funky colors but I was always concerned about looking professional so I never did. Now I really just want to get it out of my system so that when I do get into uniform, I won’t have any regrets about never doing it. I’m not looking forward to it 100% because bleach will need to be used but I know it’s going to look amazing.

I’m going to Seattle at the end of October for a few days. I’ll be going with Melissa and we’ll be visiting her brother Michael. The three of us practically grew up together but I haven’t seen Michael since before graduating high school. I’ve always wanted to visit Seattle. Even though I know it’ll be freezing, I have to at least put my feet in the Pacific Ocean. I want to see the Space Needle, and I think we’ll also be driving up to Vancouver to catch a Canuck’s game. I’ll have the chance to meet one of my penpals, Jake, which will be great. Also in October is Tough Mudder. I’m at the point now where I’m actively dreading it. I am just trying to convince myself that I can do it. My friend Corey who has a form of cerebral palsy completed one last year and is doing it again with me this year and I know if he can do it, then I certainly can. I’m trying to unlock myself from this constantly negative mindset. I keep defeating myself mentally and then beat myself up even more when I fail. I give myself zero chances. I’m starting to change that.

I also have two police exams in October—Nassau County Sheriff and NYS Trooper. I’m not worried about those. I just hope I don’t feel mentally drained at the end of them.

In November it will be my birthday on the 22^nd and then Corey, Kate, Kate’s sister, and myself are going to RAW at the Coliseum on the 25^th. It’ll be nice going as a group. Those shows are always really fun and it’ll be nice because I literally live 15 minutes away so I don’t have to worry about a train schedule or anything.

Back to work.

Difficulties. Troubles. Stressors.

The past couple of weeks have been really difficult for me. I don’t know why. I wish I did. I wish I understood why I will randomly have doubts of depression. I don’t believe I’m manic depressive nor actually depressed because my symptoms don’t really match up with those in DSM, and it’s not linked to my menstrual cycle because I keep track of that too. So I don’t know. I guess maybe it’s just because after dealing with so much bullshit week in and week out after a while, I just mentally get to a point where I don’t want to deal with anything else anymore. And then the slightest little mishap will affect me WAY more than it normally would.

I am my own worst enemy. I know this. I’ve known this for a long time. I beat myself up all the time. Over everything. For example, yesterday I took the CBP Officer exam at the federal building in Tribeca. It wasn’t that bad and it was pretty straightforward. If you tried to tell me that the night before though, I probably would have wanted to stab you and then cry about it. This exam was different than the others I’ve taken because there was a math section in it. If you know me (which if you’re reading this blog I imagine you do), you know that mathematics and I have never gotten along since 3^rd grade when he introduced me to his douchebag friends the “times table” and we’ve been mortal enemies ever since. So the other night as I’m trying to practice dividing decimals, and figuring out percents and multiply fractions, my head starts racing about what a complete idiot I am and how my dad & grandpa were always right about needing math in your life and how obviously I’m a loser because I don’t understand basic math that a 6^th grader can do. That all of that can possibly keep me from getting a really great job.

My car has been making a funny noise for the past week. I pick it up today. Supposedly it wasn't a big thing that needed to be repaired so they're not charging me for it. That's pretty much the biggest break I've gotten in a long time.

I think a lot of my negativity and stress can be attributed to still being displaced 10 months+ from Sandy. And the fact that FEMA & NFIP are denying thousands of claims based on soil movement that occured DUE TO FLOOD WATER is such fraud it's unbelievable. I hope all these lawyers and advocates and whoever else that's coming out in support of us are actually able to help and that sometime in 2014 we'll be back in our house.

Honestly, can it just be October yet? October is by far the best month of the year. Fuck summer. Summer is always such crap.