Adventures in Online Dating Pt. 1: The Journey Ends Before it Begins.

So last week I made an online dating profile on a dating site (Let's call it "MediocreCherub"). I had some pretty good success including a distinct lack of creepy messages and creepy men. I actually messaged one guy and found out we had A LOT in common. I'm not just talking about shared interests, but similar circumstances in our family lives, etc. It was weird. It was like talking to the male version of myself. We started texting and I liked him even more.

Then this past week we met and... nothing. I felt nothing. Well, nothing but anxiety. Don't get me wrong, he is literally everything I've always told myself I wanted in a man: he's smart, he's successful, he has a stable job/career, and we share a lot of similar interests including sports, television, books, games, etc. As a bonus, he's only child from a family that comes from money. Oh, and he's polite and sweet. But any "giddy" feelings or "butterflies" I had went away after I met him. I don't know why. We went out Friday night and we were able to talk for 3 hours and the time flew by. It was nice. But when I got home I felt like I didn't really do anything.

My friends have been telling me that that's completely normal. You don't have to have those feelings right away. To be friends with him first and then see if anything develops from there.
Then today I thought about it and started hysterically crying to my mother. I just had a complete anxiety attack. I'm nervous because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm frustrated because I don't understand why I'm not head over heels for this person. I'm angry at my ex for fucking me up mentally so badly that I can't open up to someone new. I sad because I thought I was ready for someone new and I guess I'm not because of the previous sentence. I'm scared because what if I'm never ready?

Now I have to figure out what to do with "Wayne." I think I might meet up with him some time this week and just tell him the truth--that I thought I was ready but I'm clearly not and I don't want to lead him on and cause him pain. That I need to focus on myself and getting where I need to be in my career. Maybe now is not the best time to get involved with someone anyway. If I'm blessed enough to pass the process with the agency I applied to, I'll be down in Georgia for 8 months for academy. No man is going to want their woman to be away from them for that long.

So I just found out that my grandmother in Florida (the one who gave the Wicked Witch of the West a run for her money) died last week. In other news, I had mac and cheese for lunch today.

I could go into all the ways this woman tortured my mother growing up and made even the most mundane family gatherings tense, dreaded events.
But she's not worth the thought.
This bitch abandoned my family years ago and then turned around and tried to emotionally manipulate me while I was away at college into turning against my own parents. Her son (my uncle and one of my godfathers) is living human scum.

She is the reason why I changed my middle name from "Jay" to "Josephine." We shared a middle name. I wanted nothing to do with her.

Apparently she died on Monday and her bitchass of a son didn't feel the need to call and let us know. Also, my underwear is blue today.

Dating.

I just made a dating profile on OKCupid. Because apparently spending my free time hitting myself in the face with a hammer wasn't masochistic enough. 

Our Fundraiser.

I have taken down my family's fundraiser as it's becoming more and more clear that we are not returning to Long Beach.

Although the SBA approved to augment the amount of their loan, as we are calculating how much the property taxes, permits, and other expenses will be, it is all too much. My dad is no longer working and is on a fixed income. We can't afford to move back. The New York Rising "grant" (that they make you pay back if you win any money in a lawsuit against your insurance company), was a paltry amount and not enough to cover the expenses of rebuilding a home.

Any money that was raised is going to go to getting furniture for my brother's room since the poor kid doesn't even have a proper dresser to put his clothes in. We want him to have as much normalcy as possible. He is our priority as a family. The total was a little over $650 (PayPal takes a small percentage as a fee when you donate via credit card).

Thank you to those that have donated and that spread the word. I love you and your kindness and generosity will be repaid back to you ten-fold.


As for me: I'm angry. I'm pissed. I'm in shock. I'm angry at our so-called "representatives" in the federal, state, and especially local councils and legislatures who like to proclaim that my community is back and better than ever. Who proclaim that people are home. Who proclaim that New York and New Jersey have recovered from Sandy. To the people on Newsday's comment section that call families like mine "leeches" looking for a hand out and that we were stupid for living by the water--go fuck yourself. Long and hard. My family paid off their house and raised two children. Contributed to the community in more ways than you ever will by commenting nasty things online. You live on an island and when our shoreline communities are wiped out completely by the next big storm, YOU will be next.

 I just wanted to go home and knowing now that I never will is hitting me pretty hard. But I'm trying not to let it get me down for too long. I have a lot of things to look forward to in life and one set back isn't going to stop me from achieving all that I wish to achieve.

Though my address may no longer end in 11561, I will always have Long Beach sand in my shoes.

Again, thank you all.

xoxo

Alex

It's amazing how quickly they make me feel worthless. 

LASIK update post 1 week

So yesterday was officially a week after my LASIK procedure. So far so good!

It's been amazing being able to work a full day and not get a headache for the rest of the night. When I had glasses I always got headaches (because the last two eye doctors I had gave me the wrong Rx). 

My only complaints are the dryness and the glare when I'm driving at night. My eyes constantly feel like I have an old pair of contacts in. Refrigerated artificial tears are my new best friends. 

Driving at night has been a little scary for me. I can obviously see the cars around me and buildings and the road but there's so many lights that I get a lot of glare and then I can see if there's something in the road like a pothole. The doctor said that that's normal and as my eyes heal it'll improve. 

The other thing that bugs me is I have a red splotch in my right eye by the iris where they made the flap. It's a normal side effect of the surgery and it'll go away but it's still freaky. 

The white liquid on my eyelashes is residue from my eye drops not pus! I'm so glad I don't have to put in the medicated drops anymore. I was able to taste them in the back of my that and it was nasty! 

Overall I am SO happy I had the procedure done. The side effects and post op healing I'm dealing with are totally worth it.