Upwards & Onwards

Starting weight: 188.0 lbs.
Goal weight: ~140.0 lbs.
Current weight: Unknown.


Last Friday I got an e-mail stating that I was officially in the pre-employment process for US Customs & Border Protection. I am incredibly excited beyond words. This is the opportunity I have been dreaming of for years. What sucks is there's no real official timetable (at least not one that they make known to their candidates). I have to go through an interview, a drug test, two physical fitness exams, and a physical. If I succeed, I'll be sent down to Georgia for 8-10 months for academy training.

The physical fitness exams are stressing me out hardcore. I have taken several of them for various police departments and I have always failed. I've never really been in shape (unless you count "round" as a shape) before. I never focused on physical fitness--it was never important to me. Physical fitness wasn't going to get me into college. It wasn't going to get me a scholarship. My brain was. My writing skills were. Well, now here I am a few years later and my physical fitness is vital to me becoming employed in my desired career field.

Over the weekend I started completely changing my diet and exercise habits. It hasn't been as bad as I thought it was going to be. I do find myself resisting some major cravings for sweets and I noticed I'm one of those people who eat because they have nothing else to do. Luckily, I have some pretty great friends who have been helping me with my exercise routines.

My goal isn't to lose weight though I do know that it is necessary for me to pass and will improve my overall health. I'm hoping that my first fitness exam isn't for at least another 3 - 4 months. And if it's supposed to be before that, I pray that I can delay it (take a trip out of the country?).

Good things come to those who wait.

I know lately my blog posts have been mostly melancholy and depressing. To be blunt, my life the past two years has completely fucking sucked. In that span of time I was living with a my boyfriend who I had a toxic relationship with, broke up with said boyfriend, moved back home, watched my grandmother slowly waste away and eventually die, lost my home, my car, my way of life, and my sense of security in Hurricane Sandy, had to deal with an unreliable car, move to a place I loathe complete with psycho, racist neighbors...

None of that matters any more. The negativity is gone.

Two weeks ago I turned 24. I mentally have my years "begin" on my birthday rather than January. I've done this since I was a kid and it helps me keep track of events in my life better. It was, I consider, my first "adult" birthday. I got up, I went to work. My co-workers signed a group card for me, we ordered lunch and had cake. I went home. I didn't go out and drink or go dancing or.. anything really. I had a quiet Friday night at home. And I loved it.
I made a promise to myself that night, as I was laying on my bed thinking, that I would stop harboring negative feelings. About everything. I knew that this would take a lot of work but I knew it could be done. It's OK to be angry or annoyed for a short period of time, but don't hold onto grudges. Don't throw people's failures in their faces. Don't flash your benefits and goods in front of less fortunate.

While I'm not outwardly religious (it's no one's business whether or not I believe in Jesus Christ), I do believe in God/higher power and instead of praying and asking for things, I've been thanking him for what little I do have. Because there are others who are truly less fortunate.

My life has completely changed since my birthday.

I feel like I have a new energy that I haven't had in the past two years. I feel calm, even in the most stressful of situations. I'm not pulling my hair out as often or as much as I used to. Some days I don't pull at all. I'm not stress eating anymore. I feel like I'm making progress in my boxing training. I don't find myself criticizing the way I look when I stand in front of a mirror anymore. I just feel at peace.

And finally, after two years of life basically crapping on me nonstop--the good kharma has begun to arrive.

While my family and I are still not back in our home yet, we have a feeling that once the holidays come and go, we'll begin to see progress from NY Rising. Each government official/representative of some sort of agency, insurance company, etc., has looked over our paperwork and our situation and has said while it is frustrating, we are doing the right thing. We are not in a rush to get back--we want to do things the right way. We are not trying to scam the system. Good things come to those who wait. So we are waiting. Sometimes, we are a little tired of waiting, but we are still waiting nonetheless.

Yesterday I bought a brand new car. My first one ever. I still can't believe that I am able to afford it and I still peek out the window every 45 minutes or so to check that it's still real and that the "Windy Sea Blue" 2013 Hyundai Elantra parked outside my house is actually there. When the title arrives in a couple of months it'll be even more real. Cutting that down payment check was the most satisfying feeling in the world. For once, I was paying money for something car-related and I didn't feel upset or dejected. I feel relieved--I traded in my hooptie I've been driving since March that gave me nothing but problems. I traded in. I upgraded. I grew up.

Another satisfying feeling: being able to send Christmas presents to my loved ones.  This is the first year I can do that without worrying about my credit card bill.

I will reflect my new positive thinking in this blog from now on. The days of negativity are behind me now. 24 is already looking to be a much better year than 23 or 22 could ever be.

TO: humanrace@earth.com

SUBJECT: unsubscribe

Happiness is like a butterfly...

"Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder..." 

--- Henry David Thoreau

Normally I cannot stand Henry David Thoreau's writing. While his anti-materialistic and "back to basics" message is still relevant to this day, I always found his poetry to be incredibly pretentious. Maybe it was more that the boys in my creative writing program always quoted him and were obnoxious. Anyway...

But this quote had always stuck out in my mind. I have it printed out and tacked over my desk because that I find is where I encounter most of my stress. 
Lately, I've been getting myself down over stupid things. I think having out-of-whack hormones has been why this funk initially started but I know that it's my active thoughts that have kept me down for the past week and a half. 

One thing that has been bothering me recently is my lack of a romantic relationship in my life. I feel that I am ready to start dating again and that I am able to once again, be in love with someone and give them everything that comes with that. However, I am finding that now that I am out of university, this is much more difficult than I originally thought. Instead of a small, isolated campus of men to choose from, I have a metropolitan area of approx. 13 million people to filter through. 

I have met a few men over the past several months that have seemed to be good prospects, but nothing has come out of it. We haven't gone on any dates and I also haven't made any sort of romantic intention obvious, but it sometimes feels like anytime I try to initiate conversation (usually through digital means), it goes nowhere. Kinda sucks.

The crazy-brain side of me automatically thinks that they know that I may be interested in dating them and so they are now actively avoiding me. And obviously it's because I'm overweight, ugly, have bad hair, and am just an overall awkward person. Because they can totally figure that out 5 seconds after meeting me.

The logical side of my brain tells the other side to have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. And even if the crazy-brain side is right, well who cares? If they're not interested in me, then why on Earth would I want to be with them? Why would I want another toxic relationship in my life? All of the good relationships that I've had--romantic or otherwise--have always come out of the most unexpected places. 3 of my closest friends in my life I have met in the most random of ways. And I think that's an important pattern.

And so I will wait patiently for happiness to come and sit on my shoulder. And until that day comes, I will not get myself down about being single. I will enjoy the time to myself (because lord knows between two jobs, academy, and volunteering I barely have any), and I will be happy on my own.

My Trip to Seattle

Wow. Haven't posted in a long time. Sorry.

My trip to Seattle was a lot of fun. It was the perfect length of time, and it was both exciting and relaxing. I didn't do too much sitting around--pretty much every day we were doing something new or going somewhere. But just being able to sleep in and not have to worry about normal responsibilities was enough for me to relax for a bit.

One of my cousins (not blood related but we grew up together and went on family vacations) moved out to Seattle and works for the Mariner's organization. So his sister, Melissa, and I decided over the summer to fly out and see him. I haven't seen him since we were both in high school.
Got up and flew out of JFK realllly early Thursday morning. Seattle's airport is really small for an international airport. Took the light rail to Safeco Field and met up with Mike. Got the key to his place then took the bus downtown.
Seattle's a nice city. I know I shouldn't compare every place to New York because that's just not fair, but it was weird being in a big city and not be completely smothered by other people. I would actually consider moving out there but believe it or not, it's even more expensive than NY. 9.5% sales tax?! No thanks.
Thursday & Friday Mike had work so Melissa and I pretty much just ventured around the city and took in the sights. We went to the top of the Space Needle which was pretty awesome. We also walked over to Pike Place Market which is a really sweet place. Except there's a wall of gum. Yeah. Gross.

On Saturday we drove up to Vancouver and I met one of my good friends that I've known for 10+ years now. Got to have authentic poutine and Tim Horton's! So delicious.

Sunday was pretty much a stay in and chill kinda day. Caught up on Walking Dead and packed my bags. Flew home Monday afternoon.
Overall my trip was pretty great.  It came at a great time and it was exactly what I needed.

Here are some photos from my trip:

  

Flying over the Rocky Mountains

Wall of gum in Post Alley. So friggen nasty.

The original Starbucks at Pike Place Market

The Space Needle lit up at night.

Seal from the Aquarium

Authentic Canadian cuisine right here.

DDP Yoga Challenge Initial Post. Goals.

I registered for the DDP Yoga Challenge today.
I'll be tagging posts related to the challenge as "#ddpyogachallenge" so you can follow along.
I may create a couple of videos to show my progress and a little background.
You can find out more about the challenge here.


My Goals:
I have several goals that I hope to achieve through DDP Yoga

1 - Lose weight. I am currently around 185 lbs. And while I may not look like it or feel like it, this number needs to come down. Thankfully, I am very healthy and I wish to stay that way.

2 - Gain strength. In order to pass the physical fitness exams, I need to have a certain amount of strength which I currently don't have. Push-ups, sitting, and running are common in these types of tests. Hopefully, blogging about it well help me not only keep track of my progress in these areas, but also encourage to work just a little bit harder every time.

3 - Have a better diet. I'll be honest--my current diet right now is complete garbage. And I believe it's one of the main reasons why I am tired all the time. I need my energy back and one way to do this is to eat right.

4 - Learn to de-stress. I have heard that yoga is one way to learn how to control your breathing and stress levels. It helps you clear your mind. This is something I struggle with CONSTANTLY. DDP Yoga appealed to me because not only does it help you build your strength and increase your flexibility, but it helps you focus on your breathing and has the de-stressing benefits of Yoga.

I especially need that last one because my life the past two and a half years have been incredibly stressful. I was in a relationship with an emotionally abusive and selfish partner who was not nearly as supportive as he should have been, when I moved back home to get away from him, I became a caretaker for my grandmother who was terminally ill. Then about a month after she passed away, my family and I lost our home and everything we had in Hurricane Sandy. The past year since the storm has been wretched, between fighting with insurance companies, to trying to find a place to live, to trying to scrape enough money to rebuild our home and move on with our lives. Because of all of these things I have let myself and my body fall by the wayside. I am finally ready to change that and take charge of my health. I believe I can achieve these goals through DDP Yoga. My next post will have some before photos and possibly video.

Discrimination Against the Disabled.

When I first registered this blog, I didn't know really what I wanted to write in it. I didn't think I would post more politically-charged content on here because I didn't want to attract too many people to it. But this article drove me up the wall and the comments on the original blog--which I won't link to because I refuse to give this poor excuse for a man any pageviews--made my stomach churn.

Basic summary: a very important "film critic" recently went to a movie theater with his family to see the new film "Gravity." While he was in the theater, another family brought their relative who has a developmental disability. During the film he would make a noise "every few minutes." This critic then proceeded to write a letter to the theater which included this lovely passage:

"Unfortunately, your management decided to sell a ticket to a family who rudely chose to bring their Down Syndrome child to the film. He appeared to be significantly impaired in that he would yell out loud every few minutes, thus distracting everyone else in the theater. This is no more different than someone chatting on their cell phone, or texting with a bright LED light, or a group of teenagers showing up to do everything but watch the film at hand. I don’t blame the disabled child in the slightest. That is his unfortunate condition. I believe his parent was an insensitive moron for bringing him to the film so that she could see the film."

A true gentleman this one is. While I understand that this problem happened in the UK, stories of people with developmental disabilities running into problems in public are very common here in the US. Back in January 2013, Ethan Saylor, a young man with Down's Syndrome went to a screening of "Zero Dark Thirty" with his aide. He loved the film so much he wanted to see it again and refused to leave his seat as he waited for the movie to start again. Off-duty police officers who were working as mall security at the time, attempted to physically remove Ethan from the theater. During the scuffle, Ethan was tackled to the ground, where he then died from asphyxiation. His death was ruled a homicide, but a grand jury refused to indict the officers responsible for his death.

I believe that both of these stories, although they have vastly different outcomes and different contexts, are symptoms of a huge problem in society in both the UK and the US. People with intellectual and developmental disabilities are seen as subhuman. They are seen as a burden on society. They are seen as people who consume more resources than they contribute--hence why in the healthcare industry we are moving away from the label of "consumers" and encouraging the use of "individual" or "resident." The fact of the matter is that they are people. Just like anyone else. They have the same rights, emotions, needs, and wants as any "normal" person on this planet.

It was nauseating reading the comments on the critic's site. I shared the news link on my Facebook page and was sadly surprised that one of my friends began to repeat some of the comments that were on the original site. I understand he was merely playing a sort of "devil's advocate" but to me, there is no "other side" of this argument. It's not even an argument.

First of all, if this man was truly that bothered by the sounds the disabled man was making, then he could have very simply gotten up, and asked for a refund or a free ticket to another showing of the film. I'm sure the theater would have been more than understanding and accommodated him and his family. To call the parents of this person "stupid," "moronic," and "inconsiderate," is just as prejudiced as calling the man a "fucking retard." This man's behavior, which he obviously cannot control, was compared to people playing on their cell phone during the film, or someone carrying on a loud conversation, or a child screaming and crying throughout a movie. All of these other "annoyances" can be controlled. A person who has tics cannot fully control them. This critic had a choice to leave the theater, the disabled person doesn't have a choice regarding their disability.

The critic suggested that the theater put in place a very broad, "kick out anyone who disturbs the viewing experience for any reason" policy in place. Again, this is discriminatory. Following this man's way of thinking, let's ban people who may not be able to control themselves. Individuals who have "spastic" outbursts can't go to places like the movies, or museums, or libraries because it might ruin other patrons' experiences. So that excludes people with forms of cerebral palsy, down's syndrome, autism, Tourette's, and retardation. We might as well group up the epileptics too because if one of them has a seizure, that would be mighty disruptive. Know what? Let's include people with who have bipolar disorder or manic depression because something could trigger a deep emotional response and we can't have people sobbing during "Fast 5." That's literally millions of people who cannot enjoy public places for reasons they cannot fully control and this is a dangerous way of thinking. One suggestion was that this disabled individual and his family go see the film during a matinee showing or during one of those special showings some theaters put on where people with young children can go to and noise is tolerated. Again, this is still discriminatory--people with disabilities have the same basic right to go to a movie whenever they can/want to. Maybe this individual can't go during the day because their parents work and he goes to a day hab? You know, where he learns skills to help cope with his disability and to be a productive member of society.

I've worked with the developmentally disabled for several years now. I cannot count how many dirty looks myself and my residents would get when we went out in public to a restaurant or the library or to an animal shelter or museum. A co-worker of mine once told me she brought the residents to a restaurant and the server came up to her and said that some patrons were disgusted by how messily they were eating and if she could "clean them up." Here's a thought: if you don't like what you see, don't fucking look!

Situations such as these are why companies and agencies that focus on the developmentally disabled are so critical to our society. Because not only do they provide vital services to these individuals, but they help spread awareness and increase tolerance in public. I'm hoping that this is a positive trend that continues. Because sometimes I feel that we are moving more towards the attitudes that kept places like Willowbrook operating for decades.

I did it.

Sunday I completed my first Tough Mudder. I was really nervous and I ended up waking up at 4:30 am because I couldn't sleep. I actually cried a little bit that morning before I got dressed. I was nervous about getting seriously injured or not being able to complete an obstacle and letting the other members of my team down.

But I ended up not doing any of that. I ended up finishing.

I am incredibly sore but I'm seriously considering doing it again next year. I've already gotten asked by a couple of friends who saw my photos and want me to do it with them.

It honestly wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, it is a very challenging thing and it is all about teamwork and you must train hard to complete it. But I was honestly surprised at how easily I was able to do some of them.

The course is designed to tackle many fears that people have--fire, heights, cold, electricity, dirt, etc. There are simpler obstacles such as walls you have to climb over, and tunnels you have to crawl through, to much more difficult ones such as the dumpster full of ice water (oh god that sucked), the greased half pipe you have to run up and over. and the pit of electric wires you have to run through. And yes, you will get zapped. That was the last obstacle of the course and those shocks hurt so bad I literally crumpled into a heap  in front of the wall of mud I had to climb over to get out of there. I was hysterically crying as I crossed the finish line because of the pain.

It's interesting watching the little bruises begin to pop up and form all over my abdomen, chest, arms, etc. I would say besides the electrical shocks (those really hurt!!!) that sucks, is the fact that I have to purchase new running shoes since mine were destroyed and muddied beyond restoration. I had to cut the laces off one of my shoes because I couldn't untie it.

Here are some photos from the day:

Photo of our team. Me, Corey, Ryan, Sean, and Stacy.

Here we are about halfway through the course.

Me in my car after the race. I'm still getting mud out of crevices I didn't know I had.

Tough Mudder

In 6 days I will be competing in the "Tough Mudder: Tri-State."
You can learn more about the obstacle course here.

I'm a little nervous about competing. This is my first one. My friend, Corey, did one last year in Nevada where he was living at the time. He has since moved back to Long Island and convinced me to compete in one with him.

I'm not really worried about getting injured or dying or anything like that. I'm more worried about embarrassing myself in front of others because I'm not strong enough. My upper body strength is weak, and I don't have much endurance. I haven't really been able to truly push myself in regards to training as much as I would have hoped to. My mom has been really encouraging which is nice. She's going to go with me as a spectator and cheer me on. Corey has been really great with support too.
Corey has a form of cerebral palsy. The fact that he was able to complete one is amazing. The fact that he is now going to go for his second one is incredible to me. He told me, "If I can do it, there is no reason why you can't."

My fear and doubt is typical of me--I always put myself down. The past 24 hours I've been debating if I can fake being sick enough to not participate on Sunday. But then I realize that I am stronger than I think I am.
I used to play Gameball on the regular in college. And that was intense. Plus, I really, really want that cool orange headband. And I'll be going with a good friend and a couple of his friends. Yeah, I really don't think I'd be going if I wasn't going with a team...

So, we'll see how it goes. I'm planning on taking work off on Monday because I'm sure once I get home I'm not going to get out of the hot bath I plan on sitting in for a few hours.

            It’s finally October. It’s finally autumn.

My days are pretty much the same every day—wake up, go to work, come home, nap, boxing/kickboxing training, shower, sleep. With certain days having less boxing and more sleeping in them, and then of course there’s Auxiliary Patrols on Thursdays. It’s not a bad life. It’s pretty good actually. I would like to see my friends more often but we’re all grown-ups now and work so I guess that’s how life goes.

Yesterday was when the Affordable Care Act (ACA or “ObamaCare”) went into effective—well parts of it. The “Marketplace” for all 50 states opened up… and then promptly crashed due to server overload. These plans go into effect Jan. 1, 2014. Pretty much everyone at my job hates the ACA. Or at least aspects of it. I can’t tell if it’s just because they’re Republican, or they don’t like change, or if ACA really isn’t that great of a law. I think some aspects of it are good. While mandating everyone to have health insurance maybe sounds a bit harsh and crazy, it actually makes sense. Too often, people who don’t have health insurance go to the emergency room either because they are in serious need of care (i.e.: acute appendicitis, cholecystitis, ectopic pregnancy), or because they simply don’t have a PCP due to no insurance.

By law (and I guess Hippocratic oath), ER’s cannot turn a person away. They must treat them. But I would say about 85% of the ER visits I code and bill for and audit are people who have vague “Abdominal pain & Nausea” type symptoms who get prescribed Antibiotics or some cold medicine and they’re on their way. They are wasting valuable time and resources. ER’s are the money pits of hospitals. They cost the most to operate since they’re 24/7, must accommodate ambulances, have a certain number of staff on at all times, and deal with walk-ins. They go through supplies like nobody’s business. And people often don’t pay their bills at all or only pay a fraction of the cost. Forcing this people to have some sort of minimum amount of health insurance would make it so that hospitals don’t close, especially in low-income neighborhoods because they’d actually be able to afford to stay open. From what I’ve seen, there are several low-cost insurance plans (I’ve been calculating to see if I can afford my own benefits or if it’s more cost-effective to stay on my mother’s plan), and if you meet a certain income level, or some other sort of criteria, you actually get approximately half of your premium cost back. As far as I can tell they’re not getting rid of Medicare or Medicaid and their associated programs so there are always those as well.

From what I’ve heard, some people have received notification that their insurance premiums have increased—keep in mind that all these people have insurance through their employer, so it doesn’t say anything about independent health plans such as COBRA. We haven’t received any notification from our employer yet about our insurance or the plans our company will make available. I think a January 1^st implementation date is a bit ambitious, especially since many hospitals, providers, and companies such as mine who credential, code, bill, and audit, have next to no information. But we’ll see.

Government shutdown means my recent application to Customs & Border Protection won’t be reviewed for a long time. Which is OK by me because now I have more time to prepare for the physical fitness exam. ^_^ I’ve been trying to not let myself get overwhelmed at boxing & kickboxing training. I felt a little embarrassed because I totally cried in the locker room Monday night. One of the other girls told me not to get upset and that everyone started out where I am and that Christian, my trainer, only pushes me because he sees a lot of potential in me and he wants me to do well. It made me feel a lot better. Now I don’t dread going. Much. I honestly just dread the whole “being really sweaty then driving home, showering, and being in pain the next day” part. But I know all this hard work is going to pay off. “I never said it would be easy, just that it would be worth it.”

In other news, I think I'm juuuust about halfway saved up for LASIK! I can't wait! I'm going to hold off on getting it until after February because supposedly at academy, they spray us with mace.

Exercises in exercise.

No fun hair dyeing adventures for me sadly. My hairdresser had a medical issue so when she is feeling well enough to work again she will call me and I will get it done then.

I am sitting here patiently waiting for my tiny 8GB iPhone 4 to download iOS 7. I've tried twice now and both times I let the screen go dark and so it restarts the whole process. I had to delete like half my apps in order to download and take off all my music. I hope this is worth it and that I can put that stuff back on my phone because I need it to be functional until at least January. My contract with Verizon is up then and then I can either choose to stay with them or move carriers or just upgrade my phone. I'm planning on purchasing an iPhone 5s. I don't care how tacky it looks, I want the "goldpagne" one. I don't like the 5c's. They look like giant pieces of gum.

I am so exhausted physically. But that's a good thing. I recently canceled my Planet Fitness membership and joined a gym in Lynbrook called BC BJJ MMA. They have a variety of classes such as Muay Thai, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, boxing and kickboxing. And you get to attend unlimited classes for their monthly fee. It's within my budget and a friend of mine from the PD recommended to me so I joined.

First off, holy. fucking. shit. Ow. I went to class Monday night for kickboxing and my arms feel as heavy as lead balloons. I wanted to go back tonight after resting yesterday but I am still so sore and fatigued it's unbelievable. I knew this was going to be an intense workout because I've participated in a couple classes before joining to see if I like it. But honestly, by the end of the evening on Monday, my legs were shaking, my arms didn't want to move, and went I finally plunked down into my car, I literally burst into tears and cried for a good 30 seconds. I was a bit discouraged and down because I am clearly the weakest person in the gym. I can barely do push-ups, I get winded pretty quickly. I'm having difficulty with my footing when it comes to throwing my punches and my kicks on the bag.

But I know I will get better. And I know I will get in shape. I can feel my muscles getting stronger even now. I know that this will be a success and that if I just stay positive and keep at it, I will be in shape and fit enough for the physical fitness exams.

Now all I have to do is save money for LASIK. :D

Things to look forward to

Things have been looking up. Summer really just isn’t my season. I really think I’m always at my best during September, October, and November. My next downturn I’m sure will be just after New Year’s. I’m hoping it won’t be as severe as this year’s was but we’ll see.

I have a lot of fun things planned and I’m really excited. Tomorrow I am dyeing my hair black and red. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for several years. I should have done it in college when it was more acceptable to dye my hair funky colors but I was always concerned about looking professional so I never did. Now I really just want to get it out of my system so that when I do get into uniform, I won’t have any regrets about never doing it. I’m not looking forward to it 100% because bleach will need to be used but I know it’s going to look amazing.

I’m going to Seattle at the end of October for a few days. I’ll be going with Melissa and we’ll be visiting her brother Michael. The three of us practically grew up together but I haven’t seen Michael since before graduating high school. I’ve always wanted to visit Seattle. Even though I know it’ll be freezing, I have to at least put my feet in the Pacific Ocean. I want to see the Space Needle, and I think we’ll also be driving up to Vancouver to catch a Canuck’s game. I’ll have the chance to meet one of my penpals, Jake, which will be great. Also in October is Tough Mudder. I’m at the point now where I’m actively dreading it. I am just trying to convince myself that I can do it. My friend Corey who has a form of cerebral palsy completed one last year and is doing it again with me this year and I know if he can do it, then I certainly can. I’m trying to unlock myself from this constantly negative mindset. I keep defeating myself mentally and then beat myself up even more when I fail. I give myself zero chances. I’m starting to change that.

I also have two police exams in October—Nassau County Sheriff and NYS Trooper. I’m not worried about those. I just hope I don’t feel mentally drained at the end of them.

In November it will be my birthday on the 22^nd and then Corey, Kate, Kate’s sister, and myself are going to RAW at the Coliseum on the 25^th. It’ll be nice going as a group. Those shows are always really fun and it’ll be nice because I literally live 15 minutes away so I don’t have to worry about a train schedule or anything.

Back to work.

Difficulties. Troubles. Stressors.

The past couple of weeks have been really difficult for me. I don’t know why. I wish I did. I wish I understood why I will randomly have doubts of depression. I don’t believe I’m manic depressive nor actually depressed because my symptoms don’t really match up with those in DSM, and it’s not linked to my menstrual cycle because I keep track of that too. So I don’t know. I guess maybe it’s just because after dealing with so much bullshit week in and week out after a while, I just mentally get to a point where I don’t want to deal with anything else anymore. And then the slightest little mishap will affect me WAY more than it normally would.

I am my own worst enemy. I know this. I’ve known this for a long time. I beat myself up all the time. Over everything. For example, yesterday I took the CBP Officer exam at the federal building in Tribeca. It wasn’t that bad and it was pretty straightforward. If you tried to tell me that the night before though, I probably would have wanted to stab you and then cry about it. This exam was different than the others I’ve taken because there was a math section in it. If you know me (which if you’re reading this blog I imagine you do), you know that mathematics and I have never gotten along since 3^rd grade when he introduced me to his douchebag friends the “times table” and we’ve been mortal enemies ever since. So the other night as I’m trying to practice dividing decimals, and figuring out percents and multiply fractions, my head starts racing about what a complete idiot I am and how my dad & grandpa were always right about needing math in your life and how obviously I’m a loser because I don’t understand basic math that a 6^th grader can do. That all of that can possibly keep me from getting a really great job.

My car has been making a funny noise for the past week. I pick it up today. Supposedly it wasn't a big thing that needed to be repaired so they're not charging me for it. That's pretty much the biggest break I've gotten in a long time.

I think a lot of my negativity and stress can be attributed to still being displaced 10 months+ from Sandy. And the fact that FEMA & NFIP are denying thousands of claims based on soil movement that occured DUE TO FLOOD WATER is such fraud it's unbelievable. I hope all these lawyers and advocates and whoever else that's coming out in support of us are actually able to help and that sometime in 2014 we'll be back in our house.

Honestly, can it just be October yet? October is by far the best month of the year. Fuck summer. Summer is always such crap.

I'm really beginning to hate just about everything in my life.

I can't take this anymore.

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I've been really, really down lately.  It all came to a head last night and I just completely broke down for about a good hour.

Ten years ago, I thought my life was going to be SO much different than it currently is.  I imagined that after I graduated college, I would work full time, save money and within a year I'd move out and be living on my own entirely.  One day, I would meet a good guy and that would settle the love life issue.  I know life doesn't always goes how you plan it but the past year has been really difficult for me.  Sandy really through my family a curveball.  It's going on 10 months and we're still not back home.  I feel badly for my brother--I know it's definitely affected him the most out of all of us because of his autism.  It's bad enough that we lost all of our personal possessions, and our home is currently uninhabitable, but because we're in Levittown, he had to be pulled out of school and is now attending the nearby high school.  His anxiety levels are totally through the roof, and he's been acting out--something he's never really done before.

I've been trying to help my parents by calling people about our situation--our rental assistance has been cut off and we really need it.  I completely understand why my mom always feels exhausted after calling these people because it's all such fucking bullshit.  No one ever wants to deal with a situation directly, they just give you another phone number and another name and they tell you to call them. "They can help you."  And I haven't even been calling FEMA or any one like that (they wouldn't legally be allowed to give me any information anyway), I've been lucky enough to network with people who have in's with people in the County Executive's office and with FEMA in Albany.  I called them all last week, and followed up last Friday.  It is now the middle of this week and I haven't heard from anyone.  Typical.

While I do like my new job, it is very frustrating at times also.  Apparently, when they hired me, one of the managing partners thought it was only going to be temporary, like through the summer.  He said that it "must have been some sort of miscommunication."  After a meeting in his office, I'm now permanently employed (I guess? I still don't know 100% definitively).  I enjoy doing my audits, I absolutely loathe coding the anesthesia.  That's what my mom does and I don't understand how she does it because it is SO frustrating.  I know I'm beating myself up too much because I am still very very new to the field but it honestly makes me feel like I'm back in high school math class where I just don't understand what I'm doing, what's going on around me, and why everyone else gets it but me.  My boss also gave me a sort of BS project to write up a semi-regular "newsletter" that can be sent to our providers.  I guess it's because they know I surf the internet while I'm at work--bad, yes I know. But I could dick around for 2 hours on Facebook, Reddit, or Amazon, and I will STILL finish all my work by the time 3:45 pm rolls around.  It's not my fault that I'm an incredibly efficient employee and they don't get enough work to keep me busy.  This newsletter idea is a great idea in concept because it'll help the providers help us in a way, but at the same time I am so NOT the person to be writing this--I honestly have no idea what topics to write about (except maybe two), and I honestly don't really know what I'm talking about.  I have a rough draft of the first "issue" that I e-mailed to my supervisor and the managing partner who wanted me to do it, and they haven't gotten back to me on it yet.  So we'll see if it ever comes to fruition.  I have found myself on the verge of tears at my cubicle the past two weeks because of the newsletter and the anesthesia.

There's other things that have been weighing me down but I'm honestly so tired right now I can't even finish this blog properly.  My routine is very monotonous--get up, work, come home, nap, go to the gym, go to bed.  I always feel tired and I don't know why.  I hate that feeling.  I'm rambling.  I'm also ending this post.  Bye.

Random Question

Quick little post to ask some of you:

Do any of you get "visits" from a .pw domain? Apparently I have over 100 pageviews and the majority are referred from random .pw websites. When I try to look at them, it's all spam crap. I'm assuming these pageviews are crap too? I just want to make sure my blog isn't getting linked on random websites--it's not that I have anything to hide, I just don't want my blog to become popular with random people.

My car needs a priest, not a mechanic...

Once again, my car has decided to give me problems. Okay well this time it was just a really freak accident. Allow me to elaborate.

Back in March, my grandfather was generous enough to give me money to buy a car. I lost my beloved '05  Cobalt due to Hurricane Sandy and because we didn't have a certain amount of coverage on it, we received no insurance money for the loss (RIP Lady). It was a limited budget but it was enough to get me something with four wheels and an engine and it more money than I had at the time. I spent about a week scouring Craigslist with much hesitation as I was worried I was going to end up with what I dubbed "Sandy cars;" cars that had water damage from Sandy but the owners/salvagers "fixed" them up and then resold them. I bought my Cobalt from a dealership but the amount of money my grandpa gave me wasn't enough to purchase one--it made a decent down payment amount but at the time, I wasn't making enough money at my old job to be able to afford monthly payments.

My family has been going to the same mechanic for about 20 years. They do great work and we trust them. One day, my dad brought the van in for service and since they knew we were from Long Beach, asked us how we were doing since the storm. My dad mentioned that I did not have a car. They had a car on their lot that belonged to an old woman who I guess didn't need/want it anymore. It's a '97 Mazda Millenia.

This is what my car looks like. This is not my car.

I went and took a look at it. There's some dents and scratches on the body and doors but it ran pretty well and the inside was clean. I felt a little pressured to buy it from my parents because at the time my mom and I were sharing her truck and my dad would have to drive her to and from work so I could take the truck to work in the afternoon & evening plus school. So I bought it! I couldn't go another week without wheels of my own.

The first issue I had was in April. I was on the Meadowbrook Pkway on my way home from patrol when my battery light came on. Needless to say, I was a little freaked out because 1) I've never experienced this before and 2) I had no idea what the hell this meant. I called my dad who said not to worry and that I'd make it home as long as my engine was running. I did but my headlights and dashboard lights got increasingly dimmer as I chugged along. I brought the car to the mechanic the next morning, thinking that I might need a new battery. My dad it was probably the alternator, but it shouldn't be too expensive. That afternoon I got a call: $500. I was very grumbly but I paid. 

My next issue came at the end of May/beginning of June. After I dropped my friend Amy off at the airport for her trip to Kenya, I noticed a really high pitched squealing sound coming from my front passenger wheel. I called up my uncle who happens to be a mechanic and asked that if he could take a look at it if I stopped by. He peeked in with a flashlight and said that I needed front brake pads and the sound I was hearing was the "warning" sound. I couldn't be too annoyed because brakes are a normal part of care maintenance. So I drove home and began looking online where I could get them done. Usually my family gets our brakes done at Mavis because they're cheap and the one in LB we've never had a problem with. I took it to the one in Levittown where they said I not only needed brake pads, but also new rotors and a new caliper pin which would run to tune of $700. I nearly cried in the garage. I told him to put all the old stuff back on the car and that I was going somewhere else. Thankfully, my mechanic did it all for me and all I had to pay for was the brake pads. I did need a caliper pin but he cut me a break (no pun intended).

Yesterday was the most random problem I think I will ever have with a car. My visor mirrors seem to have become unglued due to the record heat we've had this summer. A couple weeks ago I tried to glue them back myself with limited success. I've just been avoiding using my visor so that the mirror doesn't hang down in front my eyes by the wire. Well yesterday I went to put my sunshade in my windshield and as I pulled my visor down, the mirror completely broke from it's electrical wires (they have lights) and fell into my lap. I went to readjust the visor and as I did, the two ends of the electrical wires touched (while my engine was running of course), and it short circuited my car. My radio stopped working, I couldn't lock/unlock my doors, and my A/C would automatically turn on when I started the car. Needless to say I FREAKED OUT. I called my mechanic told him what happened and he said I probably just blew a fuse and to bring it in after work. I just got the call and I got it fixed for free. I'm pretty sure the guy is sick of seeing my face which, no offense, but I'm kinda sick of seeing his too. Hopefully this is the last streak of bad luck I have for a while and that my car stays in the decent condition I've been keeping it in. 

If something else goes wrong, I'm seriously considering performing an exorcism on this car because it has some bad ju-ju.

"Welcome to Monday Night RAW!"

As I previously posted, on Monday, Corey and I had to tickets to WWE's RAW at the Barclay's Center. After work I came home, changed into my fan attire, then hopped on the train.

Getting to Barclay's wasn't difficult at all, it was just that the timing of the trains kinda sucked. Originally, Corey and I were supposed to meet at Jamaica, with my train getting there about 3 minutes or so before his. However, I guess because of "congestion" or "switch problems" or whatever the MTA decides to blame their incompetencies on, Corey's train was delayed a bit longer than expected so I ended up waiting in Jamaica for a bit longer. It was nice to see fellow wrestling fans on the train--though I was definitely the odd one out at Jamaica with all the baseball fans headed to Citi Field for the Home Run Derby that was going on at the same time. It also didn't help that I was carrying a plastic sheep mask (more on that later...).

While waiting at Jamaica I saw an old acquaintenance from high school there with one of his friends. They were on their way to the show too.  I got on the train with them as Corey's was delayed even further and it was nice catching up. I thought the friend was cute and he seemed pretty intelligent so that was a plus. When we arrived at Atlantic Terminal, they went off to get food and I waited for Corey. Thankfully I didn't have to wait long and when he and I met up we went across the street to Barclays.

 

This arena is absolutely BEAUTIFUL! Everything was so clean, neat, and organized. My only complaint is that I felt that the hall that you walk around in (atrium?) to get to your seat section is a bit too narrow. After checking in, Corey and I headed straight to our seats as we got there a bit later than we wanted to and the show was scheduled to start in 30 minutes. Our seats had a phenomenal view and I had no idea how close we were actually going to be when I bought them. I was impressed!

 

This picture makes it look like we were far, but we had amazing seats!

 

After getting settled in to our seats we began taping our wrists and putting big black X's on them ala CM Punk (our personal favorite) and started chatting with a couple of the people around us. I debated bringing a sign with me and I was so glad that I didn't because it would have been one more thing to carry/worry about. Around 7:30 PM, the ring announcer did his job and got in the ring and announced that the show was about to begin! In addition to doing RAW live at 8:00 PM EST, they also film matches for a show that airs on Wednesday nights called "Superstars." It was during those matches that Corey and I realized "Oh crap, we could potentially be on the titantron from where we're sitting."

 

 Corey and I ready for the show to start! My sheep mask was on backwards when I wasn't using it.

 

At 8:00 PM, the lights dimmed, the pyrotechnics went off (something Corey was REALLY excited for) and then the house lights came back on as the camera panned the crowd and RAW kicked off! Part of me was a little anxious knowing that this show is 3 hours long--as much as I love my WWE, I was afraid I was going to get bored and want to leave early. To say that last week's show was fantastic would be an insult and an understatement. And I really think the crowd made the show even better. We were incredibly lively and you could tell even on TV that we just wanted to have a good time.

 

I won't write a synopsis of the show because I know none of you are wrestling fans and it wouldn't make any sense to any of you. But I will say that when the Wyatt family came up, I immediately had my mask on, I stood up the entire time and weeped tears of joy because their segment was AMAZING. The Wyatt's are basically like a bayou Charles Manson-esque family. I love them and they only debuted a couple weeks ago. They are so different and they remind me of the larger than life characters I got to watch growing up like Kane, the Undertaker, and "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

Towards the end of the show, CM Punk came out to the ring to cut a promo addressing what happened at the PPV the night before--his manager, Paul Heyman, turned on him during the match and cost him a chance at a guaranteed title shot. They have been together for years so their promo was incredibly emotional. Corey, myself, and a bunch of other people in our section stood during this entire segment. I actually found myself tearing up from excitement--and some of the things Paul Heyman was saying actually reminded me of some things one of my ex-boyfriends would say to me when we had arguments so it was like a double-whammy for me. During that segment, Corey pointed out that he saw on the tron a few times during that segment (you can see us right by CM Punk's head when he's in the ring).

 

The rest of the show was fantastic and ended around 11:30 PM (they usually have one dark match after every TV taping--usually it's a match that we'll see on TV at some point in the future, and it's a way for the wrestlers to work on certain spots and see what the crowd reaction is/make sure they don't injure each other and get used to working with each other). The train ride back to Jamaica was hilarious--singing different entrance themes, mocking some of the things that happened on the show/shows past. I didn't get back home 'til 1:00 AM and I was so thankful that I had the foresight to take off work that following Tuesday because I would have been miserable that whole work day. Then Tuesday I cleaned and watched the show on my DVR.

That's me in the black shirt with the white square. Corey is to my left in the white shirt with his arm raised. This is also the closest I will ever be to CM Punk's beautiful, stapled head.

 

I am so glad that I started watching WWE again after about a 10-year hiatus. Shows and experiences like the one I had last week are the reason why I keep watching and I am happy that I do. I would love to go to more shows, and Corey and I just might go again when they come back for a house show in early September. I think a lot of my friends forget that I am actually a pretty big sports fan, I just never really go to games or shows because of lack of funds. I love my Yankees but honestly, who the hell can afford to go to a game now? One thing I give credit to the Mets organization is the fact that despite their remodeled stadium, they kept their ticket prices in check and they seem to do a lot more events geared towards families/kids. No one who needs to work for a living can afford to go to a Yankee game. The last one I went to was last summer when my mom's (now my) bosses got tickets for everyone in the company for free. I was my mom's +1. WWE's ticket prices are pretty reasonable (though I think they're more dependent upon the arena--Barclays was WAY cheaper than MSG).

 

So that's been the highlight of July so far. I was in a pretty dark place the past two months or so but things are starting to turn around. I just realized that in two weeks, it'll be one year since my Grandma Helen passed away. It's crazy how quickly the past year went and how many things have happened within that span of time. This weekend my mom and I are meeting up with Barbara and Melissa in Baltimore to celebrate her birthday. She's turning the big 5-0. I'm really excited and it'll be nice to get away for a couple days and be somewhere totally different.

 

Have a good weekend all!



Recap of the Past Week

I'm already starting to slip into that whole "not updating" habit that plagued my last blog. But the truth is I've had several topics in my head that I've wanted to write about the past week--I just didn't actually have the time to sit down and type it out. Or when I did actually sit down in front of the computer to write it out, I found that getting the words out onto my keyboard to be difficult. So for now I suppose I'll post a quick update and then update tomorrow.

I started my new job on Monday and so far I really, really like it. I work for a medical billing and consulting firm on Long Island and my current job is to audit the E&M codes for the ER. Meaning that when someone goes to the ER and the doctor treats them, the doctor selects a code for which to bill the patient/insurance a certain amount of money based on the work they claim they did. My job is to look at the doctor's documentation and see if it meets the requirements set by the Americal Medical Association in the CPT manual. If it does, great! The doctor is doing fine. If it doesn't match, I have to document why it doesn't and whether he charged too much or too little for his service. Due to confidentiality I of course can't talk about any specific doctors or patients or cases, but I will say that many of the doctors I'm auditing are WAY off on their CPTs. When I am finished, I hand the stack to my supervisor who meets with the doctors every quarter to go over what they did wrong/right and to help explain to them how to do it properly. According to her, some doctors really don't care because there's no incentive--they're salaried by the hospital so it doesn't matter how much or how little work they do. Something to keep in mind next time you go to the ER and get the bill a month later.

My co-workers are all pretty nice. One of my co-workers is actually my mother. When her boss heard that I was taking the medical coding/billing courses he asked her for my resume and he hired me. I am so thankful for that because one of my best friends who took the courses with me is still having difficulty finding a job in this field. It's not that the jobs aren't out there--it's just that they all want CPC's with years of experience--she and I are only CPC-A's or "Apprentice Coders." Which is understandable in a way; I mean, I know I would want to hire someone with the most experience I could because I knew they would already have a grasp of appropriate coding and billing protocols. But at the same time, they may also have a lot of bad habits.

I'm a night owl so it has been a bit difficult for me to transition to working 8a-4p and since I'm used to working part-time, I've also had to adjust to working every day. I decided to keep my other job for the time being, stepping down to per diem from part time. So for now I work 6 days a week. Sundays are usually my day off. I could use the extra money for the time being (I still owe my dad money to fix his car door...) and it'll allow me to be able to save more. I've developed some pretty bad financial habits over the past year or so and I'm not really in a position to be able to afford that. Also, I'd really like to pay off my student loan much sooner than is currently projected (15+ years??? blegh). Also, also, I'd really to get a newer car. It doesn't have to be brand new (though the 2014 Chargers are looking mighty fine...), but since my current vehicle was made in 1997, I would really like it if I could have one that was made at least within the past 10 years.

I was going to write about something a little more personal that's been bothering me the past 24 hours, but I realized that it's not worth it. It's really not. Because it ended almost a year ago and the issue doesn't deserve a single thought more.

Tonight I am going with my very good friend Corey to the Barclays Center in Brooklyn to see WWE Monday Night RAW. Tonight is the fallout show from a PPV aired last night and we are SO excited to be attending! My next post I'm sure will be ALL about this. :)

It's a Happy Kind of Anxious.

This past Sunday was my graduation ceremony from the school where I'd been taking courses in medical coding and billing since September. Back in June, I passed my certification exam and I officially became a CPC-A by the American Academy of Professional Coders. It wasn't easy--it's a test where you have 5 hours and 40 minutes and you are not allowed to leave the room. It may only be 150 multiple choice questions but they're incredibly long and very reading-intensive.

On Monday, I start my first "big girl" job as a medical coder. I'm actually working where my mom does. Her bosses really like me and when they heard I was in school, they basically were just waiting for me to pass my exam and then they hired me. I'm excited because I'll finally have a job with stable pay and benefits and I can actually be financially independent. I can save money for all those trips I've always wanted to take. I can pay my bills fully and not have to worry about how I'm going to put gas in my car for the next two weeks. I am anxious to start though. I'm nervous because I don't want to screw up--I'm going to actually be auditing and reviewing others' work. I'm reviewing Evaluation & Management codes to see if they met the proper criteria before being billed to insurance companies. I did well in that section in school, and I actually enjoyed that more than the billing aspect. But I'm nervous because this isn't like practice examples in school--this is real. If I mess up, it can't be billed to the insurance. A doctor's practice or a hospital could lose out on money. If they get audited, I could get in trouble. It's really serious stuff. I'm not worried about going to jail or anything like that, I'm more nervous about appearing stupid in front of my mom's bosses & co-workers... Who I guess are now my bosses & co-workers...

July is shaping up to be a pretty awesome month. On the 15th, Corey & I are going to be going to the Barclays Center in Brooklyn for WWE's "RAW." You may see me on TV. ;) And then the following weekend, my mom and I will be meeting two of our close family friends in Baltimore to celebrate her birthday. It'll be nice to have a little weekend getaway.

Hope everyone had a good fourth of July. See you on the beach!

Hello, World.

Hello. My name is Alex. I'd like to think that "vivacious" is a word that accurately describes me. I used to blog over on a site called Xanga but they recently announced that they are closing shop at the end of July and I had debated for a while whether or not I'd ever want to really blog again. I used that site as an online diary for 10 years. Lately though, I hadn't really kept up much with recording my thoughts or emotions. I didn't really think they were significant enough to record. However, I decided that with everything going on in my life, I guess I need some sort of outlet. A place where I can write down how I feel or what I did or what happened to me, that I can look back at 10 years in the future and be completely embarrassed at what a moron I am now.

This is has been a period of great changes for me not just in terms of blogging, but in my life as a whole. I want to be different. For once in my life, I am actually happy with who I am as a person and am confident that I will actually accomplish things that I've always dreamt of.

I've debated with what I'm going to post on here. I've read some of my friends' blogs and some like to post a lot of stuff related to their careers, some about their writing, and others about their day-to-day life. I was never really able to keep up with a diary. I think I'm going to treat this almost like a collection of personal essays. I don't just want this to be a blog--I want this to be a place where my friends and I can get together and discuss a variety of topics as well. I'll be posting news articles on a variety of things that pique my interest, rants and raves, some photos, and maybe some things that even relate to my career (which I officially start on Monday).

I think now is the perfect time for me to start this blog.

Hello again. Hope to see you again soon.