Adventures in Online Dating Pt. 1: The Journey Ends Before it Begins.

So last week I made an online dating profile on a dating site (Let's call it "MediocreCherub"). I had some pretty good success including a distinct lack of creepy messages and creepy men. I actually messaged one guy and found out we had A LOT in common. I'm not just talking about shared interests, but similar circumstances in our family lives, etc. It was weird. It was like talking to the male version of myself. We started texting and I liked him even more.

Then this past week we met and... nothing. I felt nothing. Well, nothing but anxiety. Don't get me wrong, he is literally everything I've always told myself I wanted in a man: he's smart, he's successful, he has a stable job/career, and we share a lot of similar interests including sports, television, books, games, etc. As a bonus, he's only child from a family that comes from money. Oh, and he's polite and sweet. But any "giddy" feelings or "butterflies" I had went away after I met him. I don't know why. We went out Friday night and we were able to talk for 3 hours and the time flew by. It was nice. But when I got home I felt like I didn't really do anything.

My friends have been telling me that that's completely normal. You don't have to have those feelings right away. To be friends with him first and then see if anything develops from there.
Then today I thought about it and started hysterically crying to my mother. I just had a complete anxiety attack. I'm nervous because I don't want to hurt his feelings. I'm frustrated because I don't understand why I'm not head over heels for this person. I'm angry at my ex for fucking me up mentally so badly that I can't open up to someone new. I sad because I thought I was ready for someone new and I guess I'm not because of the previous sentence. I'm scared because what if I'm never ready?

Now I have to figure out what to do with "Wayne." I think I might meet up with him some time this week and just tell him the truth--that I thought I was ready but I'm clearly not and I don't want to lead him on and cause him pain. That I need to focus on myself and getting where I need to be in my career. Maybe now is not the best time to get involved with someone anyway. If I'm blessed enough to pass the process with the agency I applied to, I'll be down in Georgia for 8 months for academy. No man is going to want their woman to be away from them for that long.